I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
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You know, be my cock's hype man.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
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I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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