Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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