I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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