I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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