This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She just used a chaser for red wine.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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