So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
