so let's talk penis.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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