Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
