Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
