Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
