I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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