Your face is a jimmy john
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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