You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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