Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
