I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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