After last night, I could never be a politician.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
