I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
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