I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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