I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
