Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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