I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
