i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
