I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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