Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
