I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
