Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
