At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
