i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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