Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
