I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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