I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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