Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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