My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
