Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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