Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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