think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
3pm strippers are depressing
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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