I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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