Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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