Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
