On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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