I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
