What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
