You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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