omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
