i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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