I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
