I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.