her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
