My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
