in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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