porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize