I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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