theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
