Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
