Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
