Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
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Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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