I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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