I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize