yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
